She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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