i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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