drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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