come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize