I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
