My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
