I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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