Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize