Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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