im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
