apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
