she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
