Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
