im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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