Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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