He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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