My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I am one with the molecules
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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