the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize