im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
