I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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