today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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