I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
