I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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