just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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