I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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