I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
