I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
