Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
