I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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