I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
