i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
