If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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