She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
