dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
