YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
