The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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