It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
