Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
