I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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