Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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