I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
