that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
