I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize