If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
