omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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