oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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