You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
