and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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