Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
