And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize