I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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