On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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