I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
