guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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