I'm eating all of the evidence.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
