I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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