She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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