ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize