I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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