don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
