Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
