Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
