I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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