this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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