Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have peed in a lot of sinks
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
