one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
